As I was sitting in meditation today I had a moment of clarity, something that needed to be said, something that you might be able to relate to. Throughout my life and quite recently I find myself going through bouts of “self destruct” phases as I call them, they only usually last a day but can have lasting effects on how my body feels. Now I’m not talking drinking, drugs or anything like that, but my form of self destruct is to eat, which is by all accounts still a drug though right? I eat foods that I know are not good for me, cause me physical pain, increase my inflammation but above all numb whatever pain it is I am feeling, be that physical or emotional.
If you read my last post, that is exactly how I got to be where I am right now, struggling to lose the weight around my waist.
For the past year I have been dealing with massive hormonal imbalances due the compounded stress of 2015/2016 that caused me to grow 2 fibroids (more on their progress later), have estrogen dominance, a cyst on my kidney, weight gain and sleepless nights. Don’t get me wrong I know exactly what’s happening when I’m eating these foods and I am in this mode of destruction, and you do too even if its not a conscious thought.
For some time now I have been feeling very unfulfilled in some of my personal friendships/relationships which lead me to be in this phase again. As a women, mother and entrepreneur I give A LOT! and I give more than I probably should being a Type A personality too. I have no-one to look at but myself in this regard, I set my boundries and my own expectations. My value system was ingrained in me by my British mother (and grandmother) who raised two children by herself and whilst she did the best job she could at the time she was severely lacking in the boundries, warmth and loving section.
Throughout my life I have searched for something that was mine, that I truly excelled in, that would fulfill me, that would be my shining light, that I could make my own and make me feel whole and fulfilled. I have found that in some areas of my life but am still looking for it in others. My children are a large part of my fulfillment and my new life as an RHN being the other. Now I know I don’t “own” my children but I do feel a sense of wholeness and fulfillment with them, they don’t judge, they just love. They approach every situation with love and not fear, they trust you and put all their faith in you and it is our responsibility to take that precious gift and nurture it. I am still trying to figure out a lot of this as it was not modelled to me as a child.
BUT….there are still times when I feel overwhelmed, not good enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough, not my age! – my inner mean girl shouts in my ear and it takes days for her to quieten down. When she rears her ugly head I am fully aware of it and feel powerless to stop her taunting. She takes over my thoughts and my mind becomes a one track food journey. I am then in full on “self destruct” mode. I make detours in my day to find the foods that give me comfort, I feel like I am eating non stop although thats not the case at all its just because my digestion cannot keep up with the demand on it due to the gluten or sugar or carbs.
Then there are the times of strength, like right now. I LOVE these times, they are who I am at the core of me. I am a strong women during these times, I am acutely mindful of my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and what I eat! My inflammation goes way down, I feel less bloated and my body feels like it can cope and is at rest. My mind is clearer and sharper. I want this me to stay around all the time and I am still working on it. The more I am mindful, the more I don’t get sucked into drama, false expectations, setting myself up for failure, having a running dialogue in my head etc. the more I feel calm, still, present and the real me.
Imagine you are at the beach (or where ever you feel most relaxed), your laying in the warm sun, soaking up the warmth and Vitamin D, you find yourself taking big sighs of pleasure at just being present. You can’t help but be present during this time of deep relaxation, just laying there, enjoying doing nothing, no cell phone, no computer, no demands, just stillness and warmth – thats how I feel when I am strong! I want to stay here as long as I can and it gets longer and longer each time I’m here. This is where I love to be, in the warmth, stillness, happiness, present – the real me!
Do you have an inner mean girl or mean guy who just won’t stop talking or shouting at you that your doing everything wrong? How do you quieten the voice in your head? Can you quieten it or is it a constant battle?